I find It Difficult To Talk To My Husband

 

Dear Bukky,

I need advice and help. I find it difficult to talk to my husband. We are married and  I should know him better but I just find it difficult to talk to him or sexually relate with  him. He is tired of telling me to massage his back and he just takes it like that is how I am.

I was abused as a child from 4 till I was 7 years old, I don't know if that is my problem. My husband is a pastor and we've been married for 15 years with six children. It's not that I don't have sex with him when he needs, I do. But lately I discovered that he finds it difficult to get an erection. I thought it was due to the drugs he was taking till i discovered condoms which we don't use in his purse and receipts of hotel rooms with different girls on days he says he is working late at night.

I don't want my marriage to end so I don't want to confront him but what do I do?. I feel it is my fault as I am not emotional enough,  not that he is either. Even when I try he just stays still without speaking or giving any indication at all. I am a little afraid of him and also I fear being rejected.

Please advise me. Don't tell me to see a counsellor because I do not know anyone and I'm ashamed to reveal my identity.

Patricia

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Hello Patricia,

Thank you for reaching out to me on this delicate issue.

Sex is an expression of love between married couples which means it is meant to be enjoyed doesn't matter what age you are, there should be no inhibitions between you and your husband.

You pointed out that you were abused a very young age, if you haven't gotten past that incident  in your life, you'll keep having problems with both physical and emotional intimacy with your husband.

Have you tried  talking to your husband about this incident? If you have, what moves have you both made to solve the issue. If you haven't told him yet, I'll suggest you do so. You don't deserve to be judged, but you should unburden your mind first.

Sometimes desire can grow cold in marriage, when was the last time you and your husband went out on a proper date? Go out for an event or do few couples activities that doesn't involve sex without the kids and enjoy yourself. This would give you something to talk about and will improve intimacy between you both. No one is born with 'romance' in them, it's all about finding creative ways to make you and your partner happy.

Don't limit intimacy to the four walls of your bedroom, find a neutral place to discuss your sexual issues. Take charge of the conversation, open up no matter how awkward you might sound at first, you have been together for 15 years,it's too late to grow cold feet.

If you are really sure your husband isn't faithful,a confrontation would make things worse. Rather infuse it into your talk but be calm about it the best way possible, present him with evidence of your findings and let him know that you're willing to forgive him.

Let him know also that you don't want a marriage that is 'barely surviving', you want to be happy and will be willing to do everything possible to work things out and make your union better.

I wish you all the best.